apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
