No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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