Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
