I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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