So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
