Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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