I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
