we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
