my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Randomize
