He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Randomize
