So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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