my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
