I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
