Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
