Don't make out with my wife yet
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
