Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
