"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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