break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
