I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
