cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
