I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
