You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Come on in and take your pants off
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