I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
