I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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