You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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