I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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