the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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