So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
