hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
