Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
