I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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