im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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