meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
