Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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