peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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