I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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