If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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