You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
