I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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