Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
