Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
