he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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