life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
