Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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