Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
