My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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