That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
