First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
