Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
