Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
