I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
