i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
