Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
