It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Found the puke drawer
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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