I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
